Category Archives: Rants

Popular Culture, Rants

Breaking Into the Music Biz?

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Become a rapper.

Ten years ago, if you wanted to break into the music business you would have done well to put on a pair of boots, grabbed your acoustic guitar, and strutted your stuff at the Blue Bird Cafe down in Nashville. Country music was hot, thanks to Garth Brooks, and it was relatively easy to become a star in honky-tonk. After the country music phase the country moved into a teeny-bop world. For every Britney there was a Mandy Moore and for every Backstreet Boy there was a 98degrees. Thanks to Lou Perlman and men of his ilk, manufactured music became a staple on America’s airwaves. If you were 13 and had a set of pipes there was money to be made. The teen scene became an easy market to cash in on.

Now in 2005, I would argue that the easiest market to break into is the Hip/Hop/Rap/R&B hybrid currently riding the crest of cultural popularity. I call this a musical hybrid because even 5 years ago R&B was a different genre than Rap. I don’t remember Toni Braxton (R&B) spittin’ rhymes or Will Smith and Jazzy-Jeff (Hip-Hop) gunning each other down. Today, for every talented rapper like Common, Kanye West or Jay-Z there are dozens of Ray Js, Playaz Circles, Twiztids, and Mike Jones’ (Who is Mike Jones?). I’m still not convinced that rap’s darling boy, 50cent, isn’t some corporate creation. For some guy who has sold crack and who has been riddled with bullets he sure raps about tropical islands and sex a lot. Some hardcore life?!?! G-G-G-Unit!

Anyway, go by your local Target or peruse through iTunes or, heck, watch TRL. There are a slew of untalented rap artists out there that are making money hand over fist. With the recent Sony payola scandal, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out just how manufactured these new “artists” really are.

You too can be the next B Rabbit. Just furrow your brow, look tough, and sell out.

Rants

Suck Flags over Georgia

Yesterday, the power was out at work due to construction so we decided to take a little day trip to Atlanta. After a great lunch at the Varsity we headed to Six Flags over Georgia to ride some rides. I was so excited about riding a slew of awesome rollercoasters but, in the end, I was met with HUGE disappointment.

Six Flags over Georgia is, hands down, the worst amusement park I have ever been to. That includes Sandy Lake. Sure, Superman: Ultimate Flight was great. And yeah, Acrophobia made me smile. In fact, the rides were good. The real problem was the employees. They were surly and they were uncooperative. In fact, one employee was fraternizing with a friend while some lady blew chunks all over the ride platform. The employee just kept waving people through completely oblivious to the mess. Serenity Now!

To top it all off, the park also smelled like raw sewage. I know that yesterday was very hot and humid so that might account for some of the smell but not all of it. No joke: Raw Sewage.

All of the Time/Warner execs who frequent this blog need to go down to Six Flags over Georgia and rattle a few cages. As we exited the park, my sweet wife stated that we will never go back . Never is a broad brush to paint with so I’ll just simply say that we will try to never darken the gates of that park ever again. Bottom line: Six Flags over Georgia was a big disappointment.

Popular Culture, Rants

Craptacular Evangelism Strategy

I’m talking about Church Signs.


One of the things that makes me want to vomit is glib church signs that make the blue hairs all warm inside but confuse those outside our little circles. The 2 churches near my house are regular offenders. That is why I have enjoyed reading the terrible collection of bad church signs found at Crummy Church Signs. The best part is the color commentary and snide retorts written underneath these real church sign sayings submitted by users. Here are a handfull of my new favorites: (Sign in bold; User comments italics)

“God loves you whether you like it or not.”
So is this a threat? Do you DARE me to not like it?!?!

“Faith in yourself has won many a race….never quit trying.”
Yes, folks, the cornerstone of the universal church, as established by God Himself, since time eternal: “Faith in Yourself”.

“The dyslexic atheist believes there is no Dog.”
And the dyslexic church sign reviewer says this sign is a big “elip of parc.”

“Try Jesus….If you don’t like Him, the devil will always take you back”
(Just a note here: I am not at all making this sign up. I saw this on a real sign in front of a real church). There is nowhere to begin on this one.

And finally, my personal favorite:

“Road Rage: How would Jesus Drive?”
On a donkey.

Via

Rants, Theology

Prayernouncment

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Public prayer is a fine art.

Last week, I went to back to the church I grew up in. After a few songs an elder stood behind the podium and delivered unto us a unique hybrid of intercessory prayer and announcements. His prayer went as follows:

Lord, we pray now for the family of John Smith, who died on July 1 and whose funeral services will be held on July 3. Father, also be with the family of Jane Doe who left this life on July 2 and who will be laid to rest on July 5 at Rolling Hills Mortuary.

It went on like this for quite some time. Does God really need to know the date of the funeral or which hospital room someone was in? In his prayernouncement, this elder stopped just shy of telling God that in lieu of flowers the family would appreciate a donation to the Heart Association. If it were not so frustrating it would be laughable.

I said that public prayer is an art. It is an art of learning to speak to the Father and not to those around you. In college, a friend of mine helped me make this distinction. He was relating to me how difficult it was for him to pray with his girlfriend. He told me that he had to resist the temptation to talk to her when they prayed together. A light bulb went off in my head and I realized how often I fell into that trap as well. Prayer is such an awesome gift and we squander it by trying to find just the “right words” and just the “right phrases” in our prayers.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege of hearing Tony Campolo speak. He told the story of an interview Dan Rather had with Mother Teresa. Dan asked her what she said to God when she prayed. Mother Teresa answered, “Nothing. I just listen.” Bewildered, Dan asked her, “Ok, well what does God say to you?” The old woman looked back at him and said, “Nothing. He just listens.”

Quit talking to the congregation.

News, Popular Culture, Rants

Sorry Rachel Perry

According to VH1, both VH1 and MTV will re-play this past weekend’s Live8 concerts commercial free and sans all that babble from on air V-Jays. Well done Viacom. Good on ya.

Your parents might not listen, your teachers might not listen, but MTV, apparently, listens.

Responding to viewers and critics, MTV Networks has announced that it will broadcast 10 hours of Live 8 performance footage — including sets from Jay-Z, U2, Paul McCartney and others — commercial-free on MTV and VH1.

MTV and VH1 will each offer five hours of uninterrupted performance footage with differing artist lineups on Saturday. VH1 will air its Live 8 highlights from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Saturday, while MTV’s batch of highlights will roll out from 3 p.m. to 8 p.m.

“At MTV and VH1, we’re in a constant and candid dialogue with our audience, and in the wake of the live events last Saturday, our viewers have resoundingly told us online they want to see full-set performances from their favorite artists,” MTV Networks Music Group President Van Toffler said of the move. “As a result of viewer demand and thanks to the Live 8 organizers and performers, MTV and VH1 will air 10 consecutive hours from one of the most important musical events of our time.”

MTV has also announced plans to roll out a half-hour special on the issues behind the Live 8 event on Friday at 9 p.m. “Live 8: Next Steps” will re-air at 8 p.m. on Saturday immediately following the Live 8 highlights.

Rants, Theology

What About Them?

From John Reuben’s new album, The Boy vs The Cynic. The message is powerful with tongue firmly in cheek.

Puff the magic Jesus
Floats around the universe
The United States is His favorite place
On the whole enitre earth
So sing your songs And wave your flag
and thank the lord for all you have
But what about them
Did you forget about them?

God bless us
as we sweep this mess under the rug
don’t want to walk barefoot on the tile
and step in the mud
out of sight out of mind and pushed to the side
left for someone else to rationalize and justify

Puff the magic Jesus
Floats around the universe
The United States is His favorite place
On the whole enitre earth
So sing your songs And wave your flag
and thank the lord for all you have
But what about them
Did you forget about them?

Lord, may we never, ever assume that you are made in our image. You are the Father of all, not just our little island. Help us never forget that you sent your Son as a sacrifice for all. May we love all and serve all in your name.

Rants

Put It Down!!!

I got a new cell phone yesterday. I spent most of the afternoon playing with the sounds, the pictures, the phonebook, everything. I personalized my phone my way by myself alone in my car or office.

While eating lunch today at my favorite resturant, I kept being taken out of my thoughts by cell phone rings. I thought, “Ok Micheal. It is the lunch hour. Many of these patrons are keeping in touch with their various places of buisness. Chill out. It is ok” Then I see it. The noises aren’t coming from a couple dozen cell phones. They were emanating from one nut job who was playing with his phone! A crowded resturant at the height of the lunch hour is not the place to choose between the nokia theme and the 78 other ringtones you have stored on you phone sir!!!! I was angry. This man was a grown man who had a junior high aged daughter. I noticed everyone around him cutting their eyes at him but he was oblivious.

If cell phones were a new novelty I would excuse this man’s social snafu. But guess what? Cell phones aren’t new. Put the phone down and back away slowly.