Over the weekend I kicked off a new class designed for parents called The Elephant in the Family. Our topic is talking with your kids and teens holistically- heart, body, mind, and soul- about sexuality and purity. I titled the class The Elephant in the Family because too often this issue of purity and sexuality hangs around our families and remains undiscussed and ignored. No longer I say! It is time that we do better for this generation. Let’s start by helping them honestly deal with these tough issues.
Each week I want to post my notes here on the blog as a way of helping as many people as possible. Tonight, I’m posting the notes I used to teach from. Check back later in the week for more resources.
I am basing the foundation of my class on Jim Burns’ book, Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality. This is a great primer on how to get the conversations about sexuality and purity started in way that seem natural and purposeful.
I am by no means an expert in this field and I am not parent (yet) but I do teach teenagers about purity and about what God thinks of their sexuality. I initially picked up this material to aid me in becoming a better teacher. As I read it, talked with other parents and youth ministers, and looked at my long term teaching goals for the year the opportunity to present this stuff to the parents of my teenagers became an opportunity I didn’t want to miss. I am so thankful and humbled by the families that were represented in the class this past weekend. I live in a great place at the intersection of teens and their parents. It is a Honor to serve them both. Hopefully, you too can use this material over the coming weeks.
BTW, Big thanks to the people over at National Community Church for making their Elephant In The Church Series open source. Their artwork and designs really help me settle on a theme and title for this class. You guys rock!
What We Are Up Against
In 2007, 48% of high school students had ever had sexual intercourse, and 15% of high school students had had four or more sex partners during their life. (CDC, June 2007)
Over half of the young people in America claim to have had oral sex by the age of twenty-two. The average age of the first Internet exposure to pornography is eleven years old.?Â
In 2007, 39% of currently sexually active high school students did not use a condom during last sexual intercourse. (CDC, June 2007)
In 2006, an estimated 5,259 young people aged 13-24 in the 33 states reporting to CDC were diagnosed with HIV/AIDS, representing about 14% of the persons diagnosed that year. (CDC, June 2007)?Â
Each year, there are approximately 19 million new STD infections, and almost half of them are among youth aged 15 to 24. (CDC, June 2007)
Adolescents are more likely to engage in high-risk behaviors, such as unprotected sex, when they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. In 2007, 23% of high school students who had sexual intercourse during the past three months drank alcohol or used drugs before last sexual intercourse. (CDC, June 2007)
As worried and as sick as I am about these statistics about the physical tolls that our young people are taking in regards to their sexuality I am equally concerned with their mental, emotional, and spiritual states.
Why This Class, Why Me
Every year I try to address issues such as dating, sexuality, purity, and Godâs desires for our lives with teenagers. I know that the best way to teach in these issues is to do in intentionally and to be prepared. I initially picked up Burnsâ book, Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality to help me teach these lessons more effectively. As I read I became convicted that I needed to share this material with every parent I could. What I liked about this material is that it is clear, concise, and looks at sex education with the whole person in mind. It isnât just about telling kids âJust Say No!â
Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality is about learning about Godâs design for our sexuality and how to cherish it. It is about training ourselves for godliness. It is about keeping ourselves physically pure and mentally pure. It is about holiness.
This material calls for intentionally doing better for our kids and learning how to answer their questions using honesty and Godâs word.
Teaching Your Kids
Jim Burns begins his seminars by asking parents the question,
âHow many of you received healthy, value centered sex education from your parents growing up?â
He says that usually only 1 percent of the parents present will raise their hands.
Since this is the case here is what begins to happen: Because we didnât have healthy conversations about sexuality modeled to us, we feel inadequate to have those healthy conversations with our children.
Or we donât know when to bring up the subject and speak openly and honestly and in an age appropriate manner.
Or we are afraid that our teens are going to ask about our past experiences.
Too often these hurdles leave us being silent on the whole issue.
Discussion Question #2
How do you feel about the sex education you received (or didnât receive) from your parents?
Healthy, Value Centered Sex Ed Defined
Most Church Sex Ed initiatives begin and end with drilling home to kids the importance of remaining pure until their wedding day. If we are honest, we want so much more for our children donât we.
âWe can help establish in them a lasting sexual integrity that starts at a young age and extends throughout their entire life, guiding their self-image, how they treat members of the opposite sex, and how they view and enjoy marriage, as well as how resolute they are to remain faithful.â (15)
So, for the purposes of this class when we say Value Centered Sex Education we mean Sex Ed that is based in what God values. When children understand and begin to live with the idea that Godâs view of sex isnât dirty and sinful but beautiful and a gift from God than they begin to value their sexuality in the same way.
Class Overview
Over the next few weeks we will cover the following during our time together:
Your role as Parent in teaching your child about sexuality
How and When to talk about sex in a way that is natural and intentional
Developing a theology of sexuality
Building a foundation for pure living
Rites of passages for your child to experience
Choices and consequences
I could spend the next three months working through this material chapter by chapter, cover everything mentioned here, and still feel like I only served you halfway. Again, Iâm not the expert and the last thing I want to do is drone on about things that you may or may not care about. In an effort to make this class the best it can be answer the following for me:
What do you want out of this class? What do you want to see covered in this class? What is going to best help you and your family when it comes to building a foundation of sexual integrity for your children?
Homework
1) Read Chapter 1 of Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality
2) In his book, The Seven Checkpoints, Andy Stanley describes a point in his ministry where he began evaluating the effectiveness of what his teens were learning in youth group. He felt that up until that point his teaching and strategy had been fairly hit and miss. He wanted his teaching to be a laser beam of consistency and clarity so that the students in his youth group would have a greater understanding of who God is and what the Christian life looks like when practically lived out. In order to find these essential topics he began to ask the following questions:
If we could permanently imprint anything we want upon our studentsâ minds, what would it be?
What do they need to know? What is the irreducible minimum?
Now it is your turn. Take these two questions and in terms of your childâs education of sexuality begin to ask yourself what do you want to make sure that they know? What topics/information do you want to make sure that they hear about from you? Before they leave the care of your home, what is it that they need to know about Godâs view of sexuality that will help them navigate the secular world outside?
In order to make this as relevant as possible write out a list of the 7 essential topics that you want your kids to know right now- this year- 2009- in order for them to have an age appropriate, heathy, value centered view of their sexuality. Be sure to do this specifically for each of your kids. You can use the list of suggested topics below to get you started (even more topics can be found on pgs. 79-81 of Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality). Be sure to bring your list to class next week!
