Category Archives: Parenting

Discipleship, Parenthood, Parenting

Parents, It is YOUR iPhone

Ok parents,

It’s Christmas afternoon. The living room is still a disaster. It looks like Hallmark threw up with tinsel, ribbons, boxes, and wrapping paper strewn all over the place. You’ve been sitting on the couch basking in that “I’M THE BEST PARENT EVER” glow, patting yourself on the back for getting your kid the thing every kid wants… A new iPhone!

They’ve deserved it. They made good decisions this semester. They were good to their little brother, brought home decent grades, and you’ve really gone back and forth with pulling the trigger on finally getting them their own iPhone. Good on you.

Except one thing… it isn’t their iPhone.

You’re Mom. You’re Dad. It is YOUR iPhone that YOU are allowing them to use. Your responsibility to them didn’t end when they flashed you that smile, hugged you tight, and put in those white earbuds and ran upstairs to set it up.

An iPhone (or any smartphone/iDevice) is a powerful tool and a huge responsibility – for both your child and for you.

Do you know how it works?

Do you know what content they have access too?

Which apps they are loading on to it, right now? 

Will you keep tabs on what they are viewing, listening to, and sharing with their friends?

If it is primarily for music (an iTouch), how much access do you want them to have online?

Have you given them some expectations, limits, or guidelines?

You are the parent. You are ridiculously in charge! Don’t make excuses like, “I don’t do technology.” & “I don’t want to cramp their privacy.”

If you don’t show them how to use it properly – with wisdom, discretion, and responsibility – I promise you, someone else will show them how to use it any which way but loose.

So, check out the articles that I’ve linked below and get familiar with the amazing, powerful, potentially great, potentially dangerous device you just handed your pre-teen.

Sit them down and work with them on setting it up, laying expectations out, and, if YOU decide, enable restrictions and forbid certain content from being installed or viewed.

It could get a little uncomfortable for you. Warning: You will sound like your own parents at some point during this discussion. It. Will. Be. OK. I promise.

You’re the parent. It isn’t their iPhone. It is YOURS.

You call the shots. You are ridiculously in charge.

Apple’s Built in Parental Controls

Parental Controls in 2min Video

Keep Your Child Safe on the iPod Touch

Beginner’s Guide to iTunes

The Complete Guide to Transferring your Content to a new iPod touch

To My 13-Year-Old, An iPhone Contract From Your Mom, With Love

Example of a Social Media Contract

Parenting

What I Want My Kids To Know

As a dad, I know that I need wisdom each and every day to help me navigate the wild and wooly waters of parenthood and guiding the next generation.

Leading our children and encouraging them to walk in the way that the Lord would have them go is a major theme found throughout the Book of Proverbs. One of the most inspiring chapters can be found in chapter 4. Check out what it says:

Proverbs 4:1-27

“Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching. For I too was a son to my father, still tender, and cherished by my mother. Then he taught me, and he said to me, “Take hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands, and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Cherish her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will give you a garland to grace your head and present you with a glorious crown.”

Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. I instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life. Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way. For they cannot rest until they do evil; they are robbed of sleep till they make someone stumble. They eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence. The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble. My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.”

What I love about this passage is that it outlines specific issues and topics that the Father wants his kids to know.

  • – Get wisdom.
  • – Watch your mouth.
  • – Avoid the wicked.
  • – Be careful how you live.
  • – Guard your heart.

With a 5 year old boy and a 2 year old girl at home I get scared and overwhelmed at the responsibility Sandy and I have to guide and teach them. It can be a huge and daunting task just thinking about everything I want them to know, when the right time to share with them is, and making sure I cover it all. The last thing that I want is for my parent teaching and strategy to become hit and miss. I want the things I teach them to be a laser beam of consistency and clarity so that my kids will have a greater understanding of who God is and what the Christian life looks like when practically lived out. So, I’ve started keeping a list of topics and biblical passages where God’s wisdom on these subjects are talked about and discussed. In order to identify these essential topics Sandy and I began to ask the following questions:

If we could permanently imprint anything we want on Hewson and Adele’s hearts and minds, what would it be?

What do they need to know about God, Jesus, and living the life of a Christ-follower?

These two questions have helped bring clarity to our prayer times with the kids, direct the Bible stories we tell them, and help guide our conversations with them throughout the week. We only have about 613 weeks with Hewson left until he graduates from High School and only about 769 weeks left with Adele. Determining and identifying specific things we know God wants them to understand and live out helps us make the most of what little time we have left with them.

Now it is your turn. Take these two questions and, in terms of your guiding and teaching your children (or grandchildren, nieces, nephews, students, etc.), begin to ask yourself what do you want to make sure that they know? What topics/information do you want to make sure that they hear about from you? Before they leave the care of your home, what is it that they need to know about God, Jesus, and the Christian life that will help them navigate the secular world outside?

My prayer for you is that you will determine to become an Intentional Parent. In the face of stress, time constraints, deadlines, and ever increasing pressure from the culture around us, may God give you the wisdom, clarity, and strength you need to help guide your children to walk in Wisdom and passionately dedicate their lives to Jesus Christ. Pray for me as well.

 

Parenthood, Parenting

The Power Of Money

“This is money.”

It began after a trip to Nana and Papa’s house. Ever since I was a boy I can remember my dad coming home from a long day of teaching and coaching and emptying his pockets of keys and loose change. The change would go in a jar or in a drawer or even in a small change purse. I guess things hadn’t really changed because after spending the weekend at my parents house my then 2 year old boy had added a new category to his understanding of the way the world worked. He had become aware of money. In fact he was now a little too aware.

Leave a quarter on the table. It was snatched up by his little chubby hands. Drop a penny on the floor. In a flash he had ferreted it away to his room. He would take all the change from my car, my jar, and my nightstand table. He would grab it, look at you, laugh, and then run away with it. My little boy had turned into Gollum and anything round and shiny became his “precious.” Try and take that quarter back and risk loosing a finger. He started asking me for money. He asked his mom. He told us about Nana and Papa’s money. Money was now something he was keenly aware of. And he was in love with it.

As a dad it unnerved me a little. Where did this obsession come from? Is this a sneak peek at his future? Would he live his life collecting and swimming in gold coins (Duck Tales! aWEEOO!)? I had visions of my perfect little boy becoming a crusty old miser.

However, something quite different has happened. Something like what happened last night.

As Sandy was tucking him in bed, my son asked her, “Mom, why do all little boys have their own bed?” Sandy told him that not everyone has their own bed. He got very concerned and wanted to know why. Sandy explained that sometimes their families don’t have enough money to afford a bed. Hewson jumped up and grabbed his money bucket where he keeps all my spare change he has stolen.

“I have money. They can take this and buy a bed.” He didn’t offer up some of it. He gave it all. So that some kid some where could have a bed to sleep in.

After, I stopped crying. I thanked God for giving me such an amazing kid. I also thank God for some how, some way helping us to teach him the value and the power of money to do good.

It hasn’t been very easy but there have been a few things we have done to intentionally help our little boy move from loving money to using using money in order to love people. 3 things come to mind:

1) Giving Gifts
We have an amazing group of people that help us function as a family. From friends to teachers to babysitters to family members we are surrounded by people that help us every week by caring for our kids. When it comes to giving them tangible expressions of our thankfulness for their love and sacrifice we have included our son in giving those gifts. He goes with us to purchase items for care packages. He stands with us at the register to help pay. He helps us care the gifts to their recipients. We make a big deal out of how much fun it can be to give. If you are with us on the nights we get to say thanks, you would see what we mean. Lots of laughter, singing, and fun. My son has the same spiritual gift as I do: a loud voice. To hear him say “Thank You” at the top of his lungs will melt your heart.

2) Talk About How Blessed We Are
We try and daily draw his attention to just how blessed we are. My wife does a great job at this. Just like our little conversation last night, Sandy takes opportunities daily to tell him that sometimes people don’t have the things that he does. It could be a bed or toys or even body parts. One night during prayers Hew thanked God for his hands. Sandy swallowed hard and took that opportunity to tell him that some boys and girls don’t have hands. I know that sounds gruesome but we want him to know that he has been blessed because we believe that that blessing comes with a responsibility. We are blessed to be blessings.

3) Use Holidays and Events to Teach Giving
Over the last few years Halloween and Easter have helped us teach Hewson the value and fun of giving. (Did I just write about Easter and Halloween in the same sentence?!?!) These are two holidays that are taylor made for teaching this lesson. At Halloween we have spent more time having Hewson give away candy at our house than we have taking him around the neighborhood. When that doorbell rings he can’t wait to hand out candy. This Easter, we had him stuff eggs for the egg hunt at our church. We reminded him that these eggs were for others. He got so excited about sharing. We took 2 holidays that already have positive giving elements and simply tried to highlight the giving over and above the getting.

Does my son still balk at sharing his toys with others? Yes. Does he sometimes flip out when he doesn’t get his way? Yes. Does he still snatch my change from my car? Oh Yes!

I recently watched an amazing documentary about a musician named Josh Garrels. In the opening few minutes, it shows Josh and his wife wrangling their two kids and Josh talks about how they do life as a family together in the midst of work and creating art. He echoes my feelings about all of this when he describes what it’s like growing and teaching little kids at this stage of their lives. He says, “This has been the biggest lesson for me and my life: Unconditionally loving and serving someone without, at this point, seeing any return beyond just having a relationship with them. Especially at the ages their at…when they are young, you’re in reaction mode.”

Teaching my son about giving and serving has been an exercise in patience and hope and frustration and victory and setback. Much like what God goes through in teaching us important lessons. The breakthroughs come not from 3 neat steps or an instructional video or even a how-to book.

The breakthroughs come from a relationship marked by unconditional love and service. 

We catch small glimpses of breakthroughs when we experience things like what happened last night. It’s those glimmers of hope that give us encouragement to keep investing in helping our son understand that the real power of money is found in giving it away.

Get Back, My Life, Parenting

Get Back Day 3- My Son

Hey Son,

I am super proud to be your dad. You bring so much joy to your mom and I. We have had such a great adventure getting to know your personality and seeing how smart and loving you are. My heart is full when I think about you and I am excited to see what God does in and through your life.

I’ve learned a few things about you in the last 3 years.

You have a huge heart. It is amazing to watch you express your love, concern, and care for others. You have loved your little sister since before she was born and to see you talk to her, sing to her, hug her, and hold her makes my heart swell with pride over you. Where ever we go you say “Hello” to others and I love to hear you say “Don’t cry. It’s ok.” when we see another child that is upset. Lately, your favorite phrase is, “Let’s do this TOGETHER.” You want to do everything as a team. You love to help. You love to make others happy. I believe your capacity to love is as large as anyone I’ve ever known.

You have unlimited energy. I hope that you can grow to see that this means you have unlimited potential. From the minute your feet hit the floor each morning you are off and running. You are constantly moving and if our car could run on the kinetic energy we would never have to buy gasoline again! I love this about you. I hope that you never lose your passion and zeal for life.

You love music. You are definitely my son. I love to watch you dance and perform. While it drives me crazy, I do like how you study and strum my guitar (One day, when you stop messing with the tuning keys it will stay in tune!). You have a beautiful voice and when you sing it floods my heart with joy. You pick up on songs and lyrics so quickly. I love it! I can’t wait to see if this love for music will continue as you get older. I sure hope it does.

You are always out in front. I’m not sure whether you are a Leader or merely The Ringleader but more often then not, you have a parade of boys and girls behind you. You are the most visible, the most vocal, and the one with the most personality. If I’m being honest this is the part of your personality that I pray over the most. There is a responsibility to others when your put yourself out in front. You have to watch where you go, how you treat others, what you say, and how you say it. Character trumps personality and integrity trumps volume every single time.

As I think about these things I’ve shared with you today I can’t help but think about Proverbs 4. As your dad, I want the two us us to discover the instructions in this passage together. My prayer for you and for me is that we will grow to use our hearts to love others. I pray that we my spend our lives and our energies to serve those around us. I want us to use our gifts and talents to lift others up. I pray that your desire and my desire is to help others and bring joy to the lives of those closet to us.

I love you Son and I am honored that God chose me to be your Dad.

photo 1

Proverbs 4:1–27
“Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching. For I too was a son to my father, still tender, and cherished by my mother. Then he taught me, and he said to me, “Take hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands, and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Cherish her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will give you a garland to grace your head and present you with a glorious crown.”

Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. I instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life. Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way. For they cannot rest until they do evil; they are robbed of sleep till they make someone stumble. They eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence. The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble. My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.”

Question: What are some things you want your children to know about growing up and living out of the unique way that God wired them?

Family Ministry, Get Back, My Life, My Wife Rules, Parenthood, Parenting, Personal Leadership, Self-Leadership

Get Back Day 1- Family

I love my family and I do everything possible to make sure that they know that they are my number one priority. However, it isn’t always easy. Often times I feel caught in the middle between family and ministry.

Family

There is a pull to spend all my focus and all my time on my ministry but if I do that I will lose my family. One of my core values is that I refuse to sacrifice my family on the alter of ministry. I will not let that happen. I know I cannot focus exclusively on my ministry.

There is a pull in the opposite direction to spend all my time and focus on my family. However, if I do that I will struggle to live out  my calling to lead others into a dynamic relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is a lot of tension between my family and my ministry. One thing I understand completely: I am called to lead a local congregation but I’m commanded to lead my family. The tension comes from my desire to do both equally well without sacrificing .

I’m sure you feel this tension as well. Our default reaction is to work feverishly in order to release or erase tension from our lives. I spent many years trying to resolve this type of tension yet I found myself super busy with little to show for my effort. I was meeting the unique needs of each part of my life poorly.

A few years ago I was challenged to manage the tension rather than resolve it. This mindset has made all the difference for us.

The tension between family and ministry or family and work will always, always, always be there. You can’t get around it. So you must learn how to work within the tension and allow both areas to co-exists and even strengthen one another.

Over the years, my wife and I have learned to consistently practiced 5 habits that help us manage the tension between family and ministry.

5 Ways We Manage the Tension

1) Communication
Communication is the foundation of every good relationship and it is essential for managing the tensions in your life. Specifically we seek to communicate the expectations we have for one another and what we need from each other in any given situation. For example, Sandy will tell me that she needs me to be home on Thursday night of next week so that she can be at a ladies event. I’ll then move my schedule- maybe I’ll schedule a meeting over coffee that morning or during lunch so that I am available when she needs me to be. Sandy knows that on Saturday nights I spend a few hours in preparation for Sunday. She understands this need and works her Saturday family plans around this. Bonus: If you add Flexibility to Communication, everybody wins.

2) Schedule
Sandy and I regularly talk about what is on our calendar. At least twice a week we connect with the upcoming calendar (usually we talk about the next 2 weeks). This helps us be intentional about our schedules and it helps us avoid scheduling conflicts. Before I plan anything big on my ministry calendar, I run it by Sandy. I’m not looking for permission but I want to include her in on any scheduling issues to make sure that she is available, aware, and a part of the conversation. This one thing has made a huge difference in our relationship.

3) Date Night
The ideal for us is to have a date night once a week. Having an infant definitely throws a wrench in the gears of that ideal. However, we have found that the real power behind having a regular date night lies with the mindset. Dating your spouse is very much a state of mind. While we can’t go out each week, we can make spending quality time with one another a reality. The couch in our living room can transform into an IMAX movie experience when we make time to watch a movie together. Our couch can also change into a quiet coffee shop as we sit and talk about how our day went and what are our future dreams and plans are. Dates don’t always have to take place “offsite” so make time today for your next date night.

4) Family Night
Right now, Tuesday night is Felker Family Fun Night. I put a hedge around Tuesday nights because I know that we are going out as a family. We typically load the kids up and head out to dinner. One of our favorite restaurants runs a family special on Tuesdays– 2 kids eat free with 1 adult purchase. (How cool is that!?!?!) After dinner we typically enjoy an evening activity. We walk around the mall, we visit the free zoo (pet store), we visit the free amusement park (the playground at church), play at the free waterpark (splash pad)- Are you picking up on a theme here? Family night is my favorite night of the week! Look around your town and see what kind of deals are in your area. Pick a night of the week and protect it from all other events. You will love it and your family will thank you.

5) Do ministry as a family
This will look differently for everyone but we decided years ago to make sure to do ministry together. When someone needs a meal delivered, we load up the car and deliver it as a family. Sometimes we invite a few families over to our home for dinner and fellowship. My hope is that over time my kids will be able to join us in ministry as well. Sandy truly is my ministry partner. I have been blessed beyond my wildest imagination.

My prayer for you is that you will learn to manage the tensions in your life. When you do, you will find freedom and life. Use your creativity and imagination to work within the tension rather than expending your time and energy trying to resolve a problem that won’t go away.

Question: How do you manage the tensions between Family and Work? (Leave your thoughts and ideas in the comment section)

Awe, Collecting Experiences, Life, Parenting

I Love This Kid!!!!

IMG_2032

There are not a lot of things that come naturally to me. I’m not the smartest- I had to work for every B & C I got. I’m not the most athletic- just because I’m shaped like a ball doesn’t mean I can hit one. I’m not the most talented either.

But being a dad fits me like a glove right now. I never thought that I would love this kid as much as I do.

I find myself hovering over his bed almost every night while he sleeps. I think I’ve woken him up a few times. I pray that God will make him a better man than me, that Jesus will save him, and that the Spirit will guide him in everything he does.

I love this kid and I thank God for the gift of being his dad.

Advent, Being a Dad, Christmas, Collecting Experiences, Giving Thanks, Parenting, Resources

16 Christmas Tips for Dads

This Christmas will be my first as a dad. The last 7 months have been a mixture of great memories, tough lessons, and many, many changes. As I look to the future, I want to the best dad I can be. Right after Hewson was born, a friend gave me one piece of advice about being a parent. He said,

“Parenting is a Verb.”

He’s right. If I want to be the best dad I can be I have to be INTENTIONAL about it. Parenting doesn’t happen through osmosis.

As a dad, one of the things I want to do is create lasting spiritual memories for my family. The best time of the year to create these memories might just be the Christmas season. Over at The Resurgence Blog, Mark Driscoll offered dads a 16 point Christmas blueprint for making lasting memories this season. These challenges will help dads step outside of the poor expectations that this culture has for us. If you want to grow your family closer to your Heavenly Father and to one another, try a few of these tips.

My son will be a little over 7 months old this Christmas. I am challenging myself to modify a few of these suggestions this year for my little family. I have the holiday music on the iPod and I have a few thoughts about Christmas eve and morning but I’m going to hold off on the cider for my little one this year. What about you? What are you doing this year to create spiritual memories for your family?

16 Daddy Christmas Tips by Mark Driscoll

Dad needs…
1) a plan for the holidays to ensure his family is loved and memories are made. Dad, what’s your plan?
2) to check the local guides for what’s going on to make fun holiday plans for the family.
3) to carve out time for sacred events and experiences to build family traditions that are fun and point to Jesus. Dad, is your calendar ready for December?
4) to not let the stress of the holidays, including money, cause him to be grumpy with Mom or the kids. Dad, how’s your joy?
5) to give experiences and not just gifts. Dad, what special memories can you make this holiday season?
6) to manage the extended family and friends during the holidays. Dad, who or what do you need to say “no” to?
7) to ensure his family is giving generously during the holidays. Dad, who in need is your family going to adopt and bless?
8) to schedule a big Christmas daddy date with his daughter. Dad, what’s your big plan for the fancy daddy date?
9) to schedule guy time with his son. Dad, what are you and your son going to do that is active, outdoors, and fun?
10) to help Mom get the house decorated. Dad, are you really a big help to Mom with getting things ready?
11) to ensure some holiday smells and sounds. Dad, is Christmas music on the iPod, is the tree up, and can you smell cookies and cider in your house?
12) to snuggle up and watch some fun shows with the kids, especially the little ones. Dad, is the DVR set?
13) to take the family on a drive to see Christmas lights while listening to music and sipping cider. Dad, is it mapped out?
14) to help Mom get the kids’ rooms decorated. Dad, do the little kids get lights or a small tree in their room?
15) to read about Jesus and pray over his kids. Dad, how’s your pastoral work going with each of your kids?
16) to repent of being lazy, selfish, grumpy, or just dumping the holidays on Mom. Dad, are you a servant like Jesus to your family?

Link

General, My Life, Parenting, Planning

Preparing

10 Comments

We are roughly 8 weeks out from baby. The weeks are clicking by faster than I ever would have thought possible. The pregnancy has gone very smoothly for Sandy- she never had morning sickness but she has developed some muscle soreness in her back and legs as of late. As we get closer and closer to our due date- May 27 we are desperately trying to wrap up all the loose ends.

The Nursery. We have the nursery put together. Sandy and her mother helped put the finishing touches on the paint and decorations during Spring Break. I put the crib together- which was a bit more of an ordeal than I anticipated. I managed to strip 2 screws with the stupid, ridiculously small alan wrench included in the box. No worries though. Simmons sent us 2 replacement screws and Sandy gingerly put them in place. Darn my fat fingers! Sandy’s coworkers are throwing us a shower this week. We are thrilled that we now have a place for the gifts and diapers and clothes.

Birthing Classes. We start parenting/birthing classes this week as well. Thankfully, the hospital is across the street from our house so we won’t have to worry about traveling. I am a bit nervous about the classes just because I don’t know what to expect- except I know that we will watch THE video. I’ll give you an update on the class on Friday and let you know how it goes.

Loose Ends. We are preparing the hospital bag. We have her hospital attire and essentials ready to go. I am creating a birth playlist for my iPod- Some soothing tracks from Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, David Crowder, Alison Krauss and, of course, U2. I am also packing DVDs for Sandy- Our room will have a DVD player and Sandy thinks (ha) that she will want to watch “King of the Hill.” I’m packing them but not holding my breath. We have a car seat for my car. I need to put the stroller together. Um…. We’re just getting everything we can think of ready for baby. Anything we’re missing?

Ministry, Parenting, Popular Culture, Resources, Youth Ministry

The Elephant in The Family Week 2

I got a ton of great feedback from readers last week that they were looking forward to this series of posts. Thanks to everyone who posted comments and left me info on more resources. Thank you so much.

I had planned on posting this earlier in the week but I was unable to do so. I am scheduled to preach this Sunday and I caught a bit of the crud this week. I am feeling much better today. I hope every one has a great weekend. Enjoy my teaching notes from last week’s class, The Elephant in the Family.

Week 2: The Message Has Been Tampered With
As a youth minister I’ve heard my fair share of questions that teens ask about dating, relationships, and sex? There are a handful of questions that I seem to get over and over.

How far is to far?
If you participate in oral sex are you still a virgin?
Can I sleep with someone even though we are getting married?
Is masturbation wrong?
Can I be forgiven for having pre-marital sex? If I go too far?

These questions make us nervous don’t they? They catch us off guard. Like me, some of you may believe you have the perfect answer to one or all of these questions but feel like your brain and you mouth struggle to synch up when speaking. The problem is that the Christian message of holiness and purity and devotion has been lost is a sea of indifference, secular culture, and fear.

The issue is that kids have questions and who better to answer them then their parents and the church. In that order. Based on our discussions from last week and our experiences most parents do not take the time to deal with these questions. Kids aren’t hearing from us in ways that they should.

What They Hear
Teenagers hear these messages about sex…

Parents say, “Don’t do it…”
The Church say, “Don’t do it because it is dirty, rotten, and shameful… so wait ‘til your married.”
The Culture say, “You should do it when YOU’RE ready…make sure to use protection.”

No wonder our kids mess up. There is no consistency of message.

Crisis Points
This inconsistency leads us to a handful of Crisis Points that everyone in society is concerned with.

Results of promiscuity
Instant Intimacy
Early Sexualization

“The Christian perspective is much more concerned for the whole person. Our focus is on the development of healthy values, being responsible for one’s actions, one’s relationship with God, and generally what is right and wrong. The Christian perspective deal with, to a greater extent, how we treat members of the opposite sex and our deeper moral character.” (22)

Parents Job Description

Talk
Role Model with Honesty and Integrity
Positive Peer Influence
Grace & Forgiveness
Something is better than nothing