Category Archives: My Wife Rules

Get Back, My Life, My Wife Rules

Get Back Day 2- Sandy

McInteer 150.

It is the largest classroom in the Bible building at Harding University. I never had a regular class in that room but what happened there radically and profoundly changed my life.

It is in McInteer 150 where I met the love of my life.

In the fall of 1999, I was scheduled to spend my semester studying abroad in Athens, Greece. Before I was to leave, I went to campus to help with the incoming freshmen and to spend some time with friends. I was also scheduled to take a test for scholarships/credits.

On Saturday morning I arrived to the room a little early with book in hand. I wasn’t interested in chit-chat. I wasn’t looking for a date. I simply wanted to take my test and get out of there.

Then she walked by.

Short brown hair. Beautiful smile. She was wearing a Dave Matthews Band shirt.

“Bingo! Conversation starter!” is instantly what I thought.

I engaged her with some small talk and we connected. As the room started to get full she went and sat down near the front of the room. She stayed there a few minutes before returning to my row in order to sit next to me so we could continue talking.

We interacted with one another during that week off and on in the cafeteria or  somewhere on campus. As the week was drawing to a close I desperately wanted to ask her out. The problem was that I would essentially be traveling for the next 6 months. It would be less than an ideal situation for me to get involved with someone over such a long distance. I just didn’t know what the right thing to do was.

One night she asked, “Are we going to go out to dinner sometime before you  leave?”

“Yes. Yes we are!” I replied. It was just the right nudge that I needed.

We went to dinner and a movie later that week and it was, hands down, the best date I had ever been on.

I spent the next few months bouncing from internet cafe to internet cafe writing her emails and exchanging correspondence. I was in love.

The best part: So was she!

In 2001, I married Sandy. 11 years later, we have an awesome marriage, two beautiful kids, a wonderful life, and a vision for our future. I am blessed because she is my wife. I am a better person because she is my friend. I love her with every ounce of my being. She is my rock, my encourager, and the love of my life.

Thank you Sandy. Thank you for all that you are and all that you do. You are the best. I love you.

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Oh, and thank you McInteer 150. Well played.

Question: Who is the love of your life? What is your love story?

Family Ministry, Get Back, My Life, My Wife Rules, Parenthood, Parenting, Personal Leadership, Self-Leadership

Get Back Day 1- Family

I love my family and I do everything possible to make sure that they know that they are my number one priority. However, it isn’t always easy. Often times I feel caught in the middle between family and ministry.

Family

There is a pull to spend all my focus and all my time on my ministry but if I do that I will lose my family. One of my core values is that I refuse to sacrifice my family on the alter of ministry. I will not let that happen. I know I cannot focus exclusively on my ministry.

There is a pull in the opposite direction to spend all my time and focus on my family. However, if I do that I will struggle to live out  my calling to lead others into a dynamic relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is a lot of tension between my family and my ministry. One thing I understand completely: I am called to lead a local congregation but I’m commanded to lead my family. The tension comes from my desire to do both equally well without sacrificing .

I’m sure you feel this tension as well. Our default reaction is to work feverishly in order to release or erase tension from our lives. I spent many years trying to resolve this type of tension yet I found myself super busy with little to show for my effort. I was meeting the unique needs of each part of my life poorly.

A few years ago I was challenged to manage the tension rather than resolve it. This mindset has made all the difference for us.

The tension between family and ministry or family and work will always, always, always be there. You can’t get around it. So you must learn how to work within the tension and allow both areas to co-exists and even strengthen one another.

Over the years, my wife and I have learned to consistently practiced 5 habits that help us manage the tension between family and ministry.

5 Ways We Manage the Tension

1) Communication
Communication is the foundation of every good relationship and it is essential for managing the tensions in your life. Specifically we seek to communicate the expectations we have for one another and what we need from each other in any given situation. For example, Sandy will tell me that she needs me to be home on Thursday night of next week so that she can be at a ladies event. I’ll then move my schedule- maybe I’ll schedule a meeting over coffee that morning or during lunch so that I am available when she needs me to be. Sandy knows that on Saturday nights I spend a few hours in preparation for Sunday. She understands this need and works her Saturday family plans around this. Bonus: If you add Flexibility to Communication, everybody wins.

2) Schedule
Sandy and I regularly talk about what is on our calendar. At least twice a week we connect with the upcoming calendar (usually we talk about the next 2 weeks). This helps us be intentional about our schedules and it helps us avoid scheduling conflicts. Before I plan anything big on my ministry calendar, I run it by Sandy. I’m not looking for permission but I want to include her in on any scheduling issues to make sure that she is available, aware, and a part of the conversation. This one thing has made a huge difference in our relationship.

3) Date Night
The ideal for us is to have a date night once a week. Having an infant definitely throws a wrench in the gears of that ideal. However, we have found that the real power behind having a regular date night lies with the mindset. Dating your spouse is very much a state of mind. While we can’t go out each week, we can make spending quality time with one another a reality. The couch in our living room can transform into an IMAX movie experience when we make time to watch a movie together. Our couch can also change into a quiet coffee shop as we sit and talk about how our day went and what are our future dreams and plans are. Dates don’t always have to take place “offsite” so make time today for your next date night.

4) Family Night
Right now, Tuesday night is Felker Family Fun Night. I put a hedge around Tuesday nights because I know that we are going out as a family. We typically load the kids up and head out to dinner. One of our favorite restaurants runs a family special on Tuesdays– 2 kids eat free with 1 adult purchase. (How cool is that!?!?!) After dinner we typically enjoy an evening activity. We walk around the mall, we visit the free zoo (pet store), we visit the free amusement park (the playground at church), play at the free waterpark (splash pad)- Are you picking up on a theme here? Family night is my favorite night of the week! Look around your town and see what kind of deals are in your area. Pick a night of the week and protect it from all other events. You will love it and your family will thank you.

5) Do ministry as a family
This will look differently for everyone but we decided years ago to make sure to do ministry together. When someone needs a meal delivered, we load up the car and deliver it as a family. Sometimes we invite a few families over to our home for dinner and fellowship. My hope is that over time my kids will be able to join us in ministry as well. Sandy truly is my ministry partner. I have been blessed beyond my wildest imagination.

My prayer for you is that you will learn to manage the tensions in your life. When you do, you will find freedom and life. Use your creativity and imagination to work within the tension rather than expending your time and energy trying to resolve a problem that won’t go away.

Question: How do you manage the tensions between Family and Work? (Leave your thoughts and ideas in the comment section)

Birth, Life, My Wife Rules

Fearfully, Wonderfully

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Adelynn Hallie Felker was born at 12:09pm on May 14, 2012. She weighs 7lbs 13oz and is 20.5″ long.

Welcome little Adele to the world.

Adele2

Psalms 139:1–18, 23-24 NIV11
“You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Ethos, Leadership Axioms, My Wife Rules

Axiom 2: Family First

It has been a pretty crazy week around the Felker household. Our son came down with the stomach bug late last week. My wife got it in the wee small hours on Sunday. I thought I could escape the plague but I was infected and early Monday morning I was down for the count. The only thing I could do on Monday was lay still and hug my pillow. I absolutely hate being sick.

Thankfully, this bug was only a 24hr things and so we are all on the mend. However, this family fight against the stomach virus really threw me off my schedule. I lost a whole day at work and had things pretty booked on Tuesday so I was unable to post my second installment in the Leadership Axioms series. So, with that said, let’s talk about this week’s Leadership Axiom.

I want to live and die by this week’s axiom. I have tried to make this belief a core part of who I am and I have said this statement for so long that have forgotten where and when I first heard it. I didn’t coin this phrase but I wouldn’t care if it were inscribed on my tombstone. For me, as a minister, this should be no pithy, quaint saying. This is life and death stuff we are talking about here.

Are you ready? Here it is…

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I refuse to sacrifice my family on the alter of ministry.

No question. This is one of the most important things I can do to succeed and to guarantee that I leave a legacy of faith and not a hollow, charred out crater of a life with collateral damage strewn from here to kingdom come.

Too much? I don’t think so.

I’ve heard too many stories. Seen too much hurt.

Nothing- and I mean NOTHING- is more important to me than my wife and my son. If I don’t get MY FAMILY right, I really don’t believe I can get anything right.

I’m not perfect. If I don’t stay on top of my schedule it can quickly squeeze out any and every good intention that I have. Here are a few things I try to do to make sure that I am putting my family first.

  • Calendar- As best as I can, I do not make definitive plans with a meeting (in the evening) or weekend event without first consulting Sandy and synching our calendars. We share an iTunes account so we can see each others calendar changes and appointments on our iPhones. This isn’t fool proof but it is a great way to defer to one another. For weekend things, Sandy gets first dibs at me. In fact, there is something coming up in the next few weekends that I’ll have to skip out a little early on because we are going to the pumpkin patch. No way I am missing that!
  • Schedule-Free Night(s)- Last year, we had at least two week nights where I did not have a regularly scheduled event in the evenings. We essentially had Monday and Thursday nights to ourselves. This meant that we could spend quality and quantity time with each other on a consistent basis. If I needed to go to a game or meet with someone or do something that I needed to do for ministry there was some margin. Things are a bit different this season. We still have our Monday nights but I am teaching Financial Peace on Thursdays until December. The decision to teach was made jointly by Sandy and I with the understanding that we would have to be extra intentional about protecting our family time on Mondays. Our Saturdays have opened up quite a bit this season so there have been plenty of opportunities to catch up on together time (too cute?).
  • Communication- As you can see in the last to sections, Sandy and I try to constantly communicate with one another. Communicating dates and times are important but what we strive to do is communicate expectations. The goal is honesty with one another. “I need more time here.” “Can you help me with this?” “I really need this to happen?” “Is it ok if we…” Marriage and Ministry cannot coexist without clear communication and a willingness to be open about expectations and needs. My default is to keep working.
  • Team Work- This may not work as well with everyone but… When it comes to ministry, we are a team. We go together and we work well together (painting a room together is another story though!). We worked together at a school right out of college, we worked together in youth ministry, and now we are trying to see what working together in this new role looks like. I love that in my ministry, my wife can take part and that she has the freedom to have her own ministry. We really strive to be a team in the best sense of the word. In running, they say that a way to improve and to reach new levels of success is to have a partner to pace with. We are that partner for one another.
  • Improvement- I do not want to come across as though I have learned the secret to protecting my family and my schedule. I am way too young to have it all figured out. Everything is a work in progress. My ideal would be that once a week we could sit down over coffee with pen and calendars in hand and map out the perfect week. I would love to do that!!! That’s the goal I want to work towards but we are a long way off. I am missing those Thursday night right now- but we both feel that offering FPU is something we can and should make time for. At the end of this season we will readjust and see what is needed. In fact, these conversations have already begun.

The only secrets I have learned are that I must embrace the truth that MY FAMILY COMES FIRST and that we must be FANATICAL about finding ways to make that truth a reality.

I ask that you pray for us that we will continue to choose to make our family a priority and I challenge you to embrace the best way to ensure that you leave a legacy of faith for everyone that you minister to. There is life in this statement. There is ultimately freedom in this statement. Don’t be another burnout. Don’t let you family be another statistic.

Say it loud. Say it proud.

“I refuse to sacrifice my family on the alter of ministry!”

Art, Awesomenessness, Music, My Wife Rules, U2

Stand Up 360

So the official tour announcement was released today for U2360. The STADIUM tour kicks off in Europe at the end of July and will make its way around these parts in September and October. Take a look at the stage configurations that U2.com revealed today.

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U23602

Is this not SICK?!?! I can’t wait to see some live shots of what it looks like in the real world. I am intrigued and, needless to say, pretty stoked. The only question I’m wrestling with is whether I get tickets up close to this monster or do I hang out in the back and take everything in? I really want to get into the thick of the crowd though. I’ve spent my time in the back! I guess only time (and ticket prices) will tell what I do.

BTW, Word around my house is that my wife will actually try and join me for a U2 concert. Hey, fourth times the charm I guess.

I am also totally digging on the following song. It has a great hook and some really great lyrics. My favorite is “Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady.” BOOM! That line is a great challenge to me. God doesn’t need my help. He is fully capable and thankfully he has invited me to follow him. It is more like He walks this blind man across the street which I must always remember and gladly comply with. I hope you enjoy the song.

Love love love love love
Love love love love love

I got to stand up and take a step
You and I have been asleep for hours
I got to stand up
The wire is stretched
In between our two towers
Stand up in this dizzy world
Where a lovesick eye can steal the view
I’m gonna fall down if I can’t stand up
For your love

Love love love love love

Stand up, this is comedy
The DNA lotto may have left you smart
But can you stand up to beauty
Dictator of the heart
I can stand up for hope, faith, love
But while I’m getting over certainty
Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady

Oh, oh
Out from under your beds
C’mon, ye people
Stand up for your love

Love love love love love
Love love love love love

I gotta stand up to ego but my ego’s not really the enemy
It’s like a small child crossing an eight lane highway
On a voyage of discovery

Stand up to rock stars
Napolean is in high heels
Josephine, be careful
Of small men with big ideas

Oh, oh
Out from under your beds
C’mon, ye people
Stand up for your love

Love love love love love
Love love love love love

God is love
And love is evolution’s very best day

Soul rockin’ people moving on
Soul rockin’ people on and on
C’mon, ye people
We’re made of stars
C’mon, ye people
Stand up then sit down for your love

Love love love love love
Love love love love love
Love love love love love
Love love love love love

Stand Up Comedy
U2
No Line On the Horizon

Discipleship, Ethos, Experience, Leadership, Life, Ministry, My Life, My Wife Rules, Thoughts

Support

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One thought that has sweeping across my mind the last few days has been that I am blessed with a ton of support people in my life.

I live in an area where the youth ministers regularly meet together- not just to accomplish events but we really connect with one another. While there has been some turn over the last few years (I’ve been here 3 years and I’m one of the veterans) we pray together, hang out together, and support one another. I had lunch with one of these guys yesterday and while the reason behind our meeting was professional we dove deep into the personal side of life. Today I had lunch with an “older” minister- a guy who isn’t old he’s just a little further into the journey than I am- and our time together was this great melding of the personal/professional that only ministers can truly understand. We shared about our season and then we went and visited another minister who just became a dad. Again, another chance to connect with one another and support each other.

Have I ever mentioned here that I also have an awesome wife who supports and encourages me and challenges me. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and we are about to launch into the great beyond of parenthood together. While the days of Monday night dates may soon go the way of the dodo, I wouldn’t have traded anything for the time we spent together last night. Thanks Babe.

I have close friends that I can count on- whether in town or on the phone.

I truly am blessed with some great relationships at church too. I love the give and take of doing life together with the families I have around me at church.

Big THANKS to all of you who support me, encourage me, challenge me, count on me, and who let me count on you.

You are appreciated and loved. More than you know.

Awesomenessness, Guilty Pleasure, Life, My Wife Rules, Thoughts

A Time Waster?

Most people understand how quickly time can get away from them in this “instant information” culture that we live in.

Instant Message can be a total time burglar.

However, taking a few minutes to talk (IM) with my wife during the work day seems to be the opposite of wasting time.

We just had a great little convo checking in with one another and making plans for tonight. Having the ability to instantly connect has its advantages.

I know this post about IM sounds like it came right out of 1998- but hey gotta love the classics of the Internets.

2008, Discipleship, Ethos, Experience, Faith in Action, Giving Thanks, Leadership, Life, Ministry, My Life, My Wife Rules, Theology

Proverbs 6:1-5

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This is the year that we get out of debt.

Over 7 years of marriage we’ve managed to keep our heads above water but we have accumulated a little bit of debt. We used our credit cards to travel to see family, we moved, we bought a few pieces of furniture, and we bought a few stupid items.

After taking a step back and looking at our finances we concluded that something had to change or we would run the risk of getting into terrible financial trouble. It doesn’t matter that our level of debt was just under the national average. We were failing in our call to be good stewards of our money and so we decided to do something about it.

Today my wife told me that our credit cards have been completely paid off!!!

In just three months, we paid off a (ahem) crapload of money on those plastic traps. We went and did our taxes, found out that we didn’t owe anything, and then used the money we had set aside for taxes to completely pay those puppies off. We are done!!! No more plastic!

The next step is to pay down our car notes. That’s right, we have two of them and owe money on both. It’s ok though. We shouldn’t have bought my car when we did. I had a truck that was paid off but I was tired of driving that big boy around and I wanted a smaller car. Lesson learned. The plan is to have both of our cars paid off by the time 2009 rolls around.

Big PROPS to my wife because she does our finances.

Thanks babe for doing the hard work and for giving me a generous allowance each week. 🙂 I love you babe!